



A SATIRE 




KALEB, 



'Wherefore was I to this keen mockery born?" — 3HAKSPEARE 



IPIFLIOE 15 CENTS. 



UNION PRINTING HOUSE, 
79 John. Street, New York. 

1872. 



i 



RULE 



DIPLOMACY. 



A SATIRE 



KALEB. 



" Wherefore was I to this keen mockery born ?" 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by THOMAS W. FARNSWORTH, 
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



NEW YOKK: 

1872. 



BURLESQUE PERSONS 






King Useless. Useless as a talker, but is used to travel- 
ling : Is fond of houses and fast horses is his hobby. His 
friendly relations to his friendly relatives is astonishing, and 
his successful rule (in only his own estimation) is attributed to 
his apparent love for his parental plre. 

Accident. Accidentally related to King Useless by marriage, 
and thus being a r elective, his relative position is related (by the 
papers) as being chief insulter and lackey. Through a treaty 
with Japan, Lacquer' d Ware became introduced into the domin- 
ions of King Useless, and by this, this lackey by mere accident 
has become an article of vertu. 

Alacrity. A page turned over a new leaf. His relation to 
Useless may be found on searching Hay's heraldry records with 
a powerful microscope. 

Secretary of State. Of but little account. 

Officials — Military Officers — Thieves — Fools, etc., etc. 

REFORMERS. 

Horace. A philosopher whose extensive experience in farm- 
ing enables him to know beans. Set in his ways, but clear- 
headed, and as he pays his board regularly, he knows on which 
side his bread is buttered. 

She-Hers. A tower of strength, addicted to high and lofty 
tumbling ; au fait in every act, and always lands on his feet. 
Unfriendly to the rule of Useless, and is in no fear of showing it. 

Labatte. A French rouge — becoming disgusted with the rule 
of King Useless — and after many unsuccessful attempts to im- 
prove the condition of Useless' rule, comes to the conclusion 
that it is useless, and retires to the ranks of the Reformers. 

Citizens — Reformers of all kinds— -Scholars — Merchants, 
etc. t etc. 

TMP 96-0063 76 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 



ACT FIKST. 
Ameeica Time 1 872. 

Scene. Garden in rear of Palace of King Useless. 
Enter Useless down steps JB. C. 

Useless. The affairs of State are growing every day 
In such, wretched shapes, I know not where to lay 
New schemes, on which to build my failing reputation : 
Nor can I find another place to send a deputation. 
Methought my plans were well and deeply laid, 
And when on St. Domingo I boldly made the raid, 
I saw ahead, the millions rolling in ; 
But all has failed ; the job's not worth a pin. 
The lOu-IChix-Iflan, and all their devilish hordes, 
Have grasped the wires, and are sounding now the chords 
Throughout our Union ; North, South, East, and West 
Bring daily tidings of this cursed pest. 
'Tis all discord ; no harmony for me ; 
And all I seem to touch says let me be. 
My party's disunited ; my glorious schemes will fall ; 
Unless by intrigues I can blind all those within my call. 
Am I misshapen ? Are my feet and features 
Not on a footing with my fellow-creatures ? 



4 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Am I false and treacherous, or am I imbecile ; 

Not fit to guide the Ship of State by standing at its wheel ? 

Something must be quickly done; my acts henceforth must earn 

My re-election to this throne for, at least, another term. 

And, then, when once the power I've grasped, I'll make the 

rebels yield ; 
And Useless as my reign appears, I'll be master of the field. 
Good Accident shall work the plan, and if through Accident 
I gain my point, I'll push ahead, and on my foes I'll vent 
Eevenge : Aye and deeply too ; they'll know then who is king ; 
And for the smallest favor asked, a good round sum they'll bring. 

{Looking to right.) 
Ah ! here he comes, and just in nick of time, 
To counsel with me, and help make up the rhyme. 

(Miter Accide?it, L. E.) 

Accident. Good-morrow, King, your mind seems worked and 
sad; 
I hope there's no disastrous news ; no bodings that are bad. 

Useless {talcing hands of Accident), Good Accident, you're 
kin to me, and in my likings share, 
So in my achings claim a part, and help the burden bear. 
The clouds are lowering, our once most brilliant reign 
Is fast receding, and to build it up again 
We must take measures, and do it quickly too, 
Or all's cut up; made into Irish stew. 
We've been too fast ; our friends no more will bear 
With acts like ours ; they insist that we shall share 
The patronage with them, and in each and every case, 
Large salaries are wanted, and sinecures for the place. 
The cry goes forth that all the money'd places 
Are granted to my next of kin, without regard to graces. 
That I have made but sorry work in each and every dealing, 
And that my reign is only known for its magnitude in stealing. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 5 

Something must be done at once, but what — is an enigma : 
The stains are deep, and work we must to clear us of this 

stigma. 
Now day by day the time draws nigh, to hear the people's 

vcice ; 
Who's our next king ? Who follows me ? Who's next the 

people's choice ? 
I fain would be ! another term, my ambition is to rule ; 
The situation we must watch, and in all things both keep cool. 
To the world at large we'll change our views, and with them 

coincide ; 
'Til I'm proclaimed again their king, and then both far and 

wide 
I'll issue proclamations, and when I deem it best 
I'll annul the rights of citizens ; against State Eights protest. 
Should cliques arise, defiant to any act of mine, 
A martial law I'll have, and impose a heavy fine 
On all who dare to have a thought, not subservient to my will ; 
I'll cure the knaves opposed to me, and of law they'll get their 

fill. 
Now to commence our rule anew, we must be diplomatic ; 
And bleed base evil at its base, to cure disease erratic ; 
My views are these : a change of base we quickly must pursue ; 
To " fight it out upon this line" just now, t' would never do. 
'Tis base to change I've always said, yet still, " Let us have 

peace !" 
A change of base may bring that peace, and with it one more 



Of me as king, and with your aid, I can easy span the breach ; 
The aid I seek's not in my line, you must write me out a speech. 
With speech in hand, I'll fortify my kingly situation, 
And please my subjects one and all, and satisfy each nation ; 
You write this speech in glowing terms, yet the language must 

be plain, 
To learn large words I never could ; I've tried and tried in vain ; 



6 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

And then they'd know it was not mine, if words were too pro- 
fuse ; 
So use great care in every thought ; beware of all abuse : 
Weigh well your words, for each and every sound 
Will by the journals be gulped up, as though it weighed a 

pound. 
They'll issue extras when 'tis known, each one that conies in 

reach 
Will read the headings: "It's come at last!" " Oub King 

HAS MADE A SPEECH ! ! !" 

Accident. I know your wants, good Useless king, and tho' its 
rather late, 

I'll quickly hie to write the speech, and then throughout each 
State 

They'll hear you lift your royal voice ; that 'til now was al- 
ways mute ; 

Anel those that thought you always dumb will think you rather 
cute. 

Useless. We will take them by surprise, but hold ! there's 

one thing more : 
To whoever would your king behold, at once unlock the door ; 
Admit them all, both modest and audacious ; 
The news will' quickly spread abroad, the king is over gracious : 
We'll promise all that each one asks, no matter how absurd ; 
Our secondary thoughts will be, how best to keep our word : 
And when the rule's within our hand, and our words we've 

passed away, 
They can say to us just what they please : we've nothing left 

to say. 
(Walking off together.) 
So we'll retire, you get the thing in shape ; 
I'll start a new regime at once ; abolish all red tape. 

{Exeunt It. £J.) 



RULE AND DIPLOMAVT. 



ACT FIRST. 



Scene II. Minting House Square, New York. Statue of 
JBenj. Franklin in foreground. " Times" Office 
to right. " Tribune" Office background. Enter 
Horace from " Tribune" Office. 

Horace. A d — d nice state of things we! re in, our kingdom's 
fading fast ; , 

The honored name we've ever borne, now's a vision of the past ; 

That Useless one I helped to raise, and place upon the throne, 

Has placed us in oblivion, by acts entire his own : 

Curses on his brainless head ; we're weakening every day ; 

Another term of such a rule, and HelV be sure to pay; 

And we must stop it, all danger must be braved ; 

No matter what the cost may be ; Our Kingdom shall be saved ; 

I'll take the stump, and boldly too ; though the sin deep-rooted 
be, 

I'll plough it out ; Free speech shall gain once more our liberty; 

The Tribune'II go through every State, proclaiming each mis- 
deed ; 

Exposing all corruptions too ; official love for greed. 

I'll call in aid our German friend, whose every act's just so ; 

The champion of honest rule, pro bono publico : 

We hand in hand will lead the van, and search throughout the 
land, 

To find an honest statesman, who will take a fearless stand ; 

"We'll place him then upon the throne ; Virtue, Brains and Tact, 

Will be versus Idiocracy, and all dishonest acts ; 

Our only safeguard is Reform, and each is duty bound 

To trample on all knavery, wher'er it may be found ; 

I'm enlisted for my country's good, for Reform my name's en- 
rolled ; 

Come on, King Useless, right is might, " D — n he who first 
cries hold" ! ! ! 



8 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

{Enter She-ITers B. E.) 

She-Hees. Well met, good Horace, this is a fitting time 
For us to parley on this cause sublime. 
Useless, now, they tell me, is straining every nerve 
To gain his re-election, another term to serve. 
Methinks our country's been well bled, and stood the drawing 

well; 
Deep steeped in foul iniquity, and held by evil spell ; 
We must in arms begin to act, erase each stain and spot ; 
Four more years of such a rule, our name will be a blot ; 
Now buckle on your armor tight, fight as long as blood will 

run, 
While in the right above's our guide, our victory's easy won. 

Hoe4.ce. I'm with you in this noble cause, and all I call my 

own, 
I'll venture to regain our rights, and now the seed is sown, 
Let's watch them all, each little sprout, and weed them all with 

care, 
Destroy all bugs that gnaw the roots, then fruit they'll surely 

bear; 
Come let's move on, and by actions promptly done, 
We'll get all steam once fairly up, the engine then '11 run 
Itself; then all we'll have to do 
Is mind the breaks, keep well oil'd up, and keep her running 

time. 

(Exeunt L. E.) 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 



ACT FIRST. 



Scene III. Grand Audience Hall, Palace of King Useless. 
Alacrity Discovered Arranging Furniture. 

Alacrity. Born of parents, poor but honest, to me my parents' 

share 
Was poverty, while honesty was apparently a non-est affair. 
I'm like a bark that's tossed about by every passing wave, 
And each I come in contact with, turns out to be a knave ; 
'Tis not long since I hunger' d, and went but poorly clad, 
While now my every want's supplied, I've all to make me 

glad. 
How long good luck will stand by me, I'm sure I cannot 

say; 
It seems to me that I must dream, and that some sunny ray 
Has crossed my path, and made it bright, to cheer me on with 

smiles ; 
And then a cloud will pass between, and show up all the 

wiles 
That life is ever heir to ; then leave me as before, 
A poor half clad unfortunate, just that and nothing more. 
What ! me, a valet to the king ! it seems almost absurd ; 
What ! me, that poor Alacrity, that has always fed on curd — 
Yes, though strange it is,. I here in affluence live. 
My luck ne'er came 'til Useless found in me a relative; 
For years I lived unnoticed, labor' d hard and late, 
No better off, as time roll'd by, 'twas my unhappy fate ; 
But every dog must have his day, mine in its turn did come ; 
Tho' distant, Useless found me kin, and took me to his home. 
And now to show my gratitude, all acts of his I'll praise ; 
No matter if they senseless be, I'll appear a3 one amazed 
At such astounding wisdom ; at his diplomacy 
I'll bow assent ; while to myself ask, how can such things be ? 



10 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

To day I'll stand beside the king, while all within his reach 
"Will gape with open mouths and ears, to hear him make a 



I'll swallow every word he says, at the end of every clause 
I'll raise my hands, commence to clap, and start a good ap- 
plause ; 
'Twill please the king, I'll do it so he'll think I'm not assum- 
ing ; 
What's that ? {Band without heard playing, " Lo I the Con- 
quering Hero comes") 

" The Conquering Hero comes." King Useless 
now is coming. 

(Enter Royal Pageant. 1st. From B. C. two colored pioneers, 
with axes, taking positions on either side of back flat. 2d. 
Band down centre to front, then, making right and left half 
wheels, march and form around throne. Zd. Body Guard, 
Useless' own relatives. 4:th. King Useless on a gift horse (not 
to be looked at in the mouth), followed by Cabinet, Military and 
Civic Officers (of course, meaning those officers not absent from 
post of duty). Useless takes position on throne. Retainers 
form around. Alacrity at right foot of throne. Subjects to the 
King making crowd. Music continues until all are placed, 
then, as music ceases, Useless arises and addresses multi- 
tude with prepared speech.) 

Useless. My subjects all, I welcome you, and at this throne 
of power, 
May each and all stand boldly up, and have no cause to 

cower ; 
Our rule thus far, and for ages back, has given us a station, 
1 And now we hold a brighter name than any other nation ; 
Our Treasury's full, not one complains about unjust taxation ; 
Our Laws are laws, and just 01133 too, no causes for vexation; 
"We're free as air, and for the right each one is bound to stand, 
No country dare insult our flag, in any foreign land. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 11 

And if one o£ you insulted be, our Secretary o' State 

Seeks redress at once, and quickly, too — lie dare not dare to 

wait. 
We're now at peace with, all the world, and, as we've no cause 

to fight, 
I'vo made our army very small ; our navy very light. 
This lowers our expenses, too ; gives a greater revenue. 
In this, my only aim was good, with an economic view : 
We have no murders in our land, no robberies, no frauds ; 
We have no Special Sessions Court, we have no bogus lords ; 
Our officials all are honest, but few corruptions known, 
And all unjust deceptions are straightened by this crown. 
Our country now resembles much a thrifty growing vine, — 
In fact, all things, par excellence, with justice we combine. 
Our every act is faultless ; none dare upon us thrust , 
Amalgamated pavements, that fill our streets with dust. 
Unbiassed are our Judges, they can't be bought for gold ; 
And when a trial we would have* a jury's quickly poll'd ; 
Premature opinions, pro or con, of jurors, is no ground 
For their exemption— all must serve, and as by their oaths 

they're bound, 
'Tis evident from evidence, they are ever sure to find 
A verdict corresponding with every good and honest mind. 
So let's continue as we've begun, and let our actions be, 
In each and every trifling thing, an honor to the free. 
Then, when our history's written, each one shall see his name, 
In largest letters, brightest gold, upon the page of fame. 
{Applause throughout, started by Alacrity.) 
(Exit Alacrity, L. K) 

Enthusiastic Kelative and Ofeice-Holdek. Our goodly King, 
long may you live ! Your subjects' single voice 
Is for your welfare, happiness ; and, that they may rejoice, 
They wish you many years to rule, as justly you have done : 
Your subjects, all united, make many into one. 
(Exeunt subjects, R. and L. M) 



12 EULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

(Enter Alacrity, L. E., bearing despatch.) 

Alacrity (handing despatch to Useless). By the Western 
Union Line this comes, but from whence I cannot say. 

The messenger now waits without, without a word to say ; 

For he says that he knows nothing ; nothing's been said to him ; 

Nothing !— without it is to wait without, to see if the king's 
within. ( Useless takes despatch and hands to Accident.) 

Useless. Read this aloud, that one and all may hear 
That all is quiet, and no cause for fear. 

Accident (taking despatch and reading aloud). To our royal 
king, in greatest haste, we send this telegram, 

And we await your royal orders, while the insult we must cram 

Ear down our throats; it chokes us, too. Please haste and 
send redress, 

For if this insult insulated be, we're in a pretty mess. 

Your crown's been wronged, unjustly, too ; one of your loyal 
subjects 

Calls loud for vengeance ; send us aid to carry out our objects. 

While passing down the street this morn, — you'll mourn such 
came to pass, — 

Your Consul, here, tho' consulted not, was by some one called 
an ass ; 

His nose was wrung, a wringer, too, — he knows it to his sorrow. 

Sir, O ! send aid to second us, to fight him on the morrow ; 

A loyal subject as he is, not accustomed to subjection, 

Must uphold your name, his station, too, and give up all de- 
jection. 

No one, he knows, regrets the thing more than the nose itself. 

So, to resent the blows he sent, he knows you'll send him help. 

Useless (having lit a cigar, smokes and speaks angrily). 
From whence comes this ? Who sent this precious ditty ? 

Accident {Rooking at stamp on envelope). Good King, the 
stamp reads, New York City. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 13 

Useless (hastily). New York City ! Where is that ? (All 
pause.) 

Alacrity [stepping forward). New York, metliinks I've 
heard before, 
Is situate — {studying) yes, I'm sure I'm right — near Jersey 

City's shore. 

Accident (to Alacrity). You're- right. (To Useless.) 'Twas 
at this place I posted sentry, 
When Jersey City, by your will, was made a port of entry. 

Useless (to Accident). We're sadly wronged. In my power 
I'll seek redress. 

(To Front.) I hope there's no reporters here, no members of 
the press. 

(To Accident.) You'll send him aid at once, and keep the mat- 
ter quiet ; 

For if it once is spread abroad, there'll surely be a riot. 

To-morrow morn, ere the Sun shall shine, and give us all its 
views, 

Call in our Heralds and Tribunes, or the World will know the 
News. 

Each Day's Doings of our Times shows too much of nature. 

Our Wild Oats sow : to be Democrat, we must be sound and 
mature ; 

Our actions must be off the Stage ; and, to carry out our Pro- 
gramme, 

We'll commence at once, and send away the answer to our 
Telegram. 

Look on the Atlas, and find out New York's precise location ; 

And Dispatch our royal answer, without all hesitation. 

Call Mercury to grant us aid, and to prove we're Independent, 

You write our royal answer out, and we'll hurry up and send it. 

The Spirit oe the Times shall be, act well our part each one, 

'Tis there where all our honor lies, our many victories won. 



14 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Our Coubiee, send with lightning speed to him they call an ass^ 
And say our royal wibhes are, that no such thing shall pass. 

Accident (holding out envelope). Shall we reply by this 
same line ? they say this line's a stunner ! 

Useless. Yes. "We'll fight it out upon this line, if it takes 
us all the summer." 
Request our Secretary o' State to demand at once redress ; 
A full retraction of this act will suit, and nothing less. 
Grant no delays, and if they don't comply, 
Send forth our every monitor, and blow them to the sky. 

Accident. Well said, my noble brother-in-law ; these words 

you bravely spoke 
Are just in tone ; but Where's your means to carry out this 

joke f 
Our army's small, undisciplined, our leading General, too, 
Has gone abroad as nurse to Fred, and diplomat for you. 
Our navy, like your cans of eggs, is condensed and all in 

stocks ; 
Our Ship of State her reckoning's lost, and foundered on the 

rocks. 
The Golden Rule was not carried out, tho' manned and 

trimmed so well ; 
The Treasur' d precepts it contained are now where few can tell. 

Useless (aside). Egad, that's true, and have I done these 

things that's so near-sighted ? 
Where can I find a friendly one who has brains to see me 

righted ? 
In this dire strait I stand alone, my Cabinet at best 
Are all as useless as their king, not one to stand the test. 
Those friendly ones I should have called, with experience and 

tact, 
Have coldly turned their backs on me, and will not turn them 

back. 



BULB AWL DIPLOMACY. 15 

No loop-hole can I see just now, each outlet is too small ; 

Buin stares me in the face ; my house will surely fall : 

No ! no ! this thing must never be ; I'll try to laugh it 

through, 
And when this case I've laid aside I'll think then what to do. 
(To Accident.) You're right ! Our Army needs recruiting ; our 

Navy needs repairs ; 
We needs must have no other war ; I'm weary of such cares : 
Our Secretary o' State must write to him in New York city 
A letter, with our condolence, and with our royal pity, 
And state to him this thing must pass ; there is no cause for 

action, 
To pass it by will be but right, and an honor to the nation. 
While you are having this prepar'd, I'll harangue the Cabinet, 
And study up some future plans ; it's never too late yet. 

(Exit Accident R. JE.) 

Useless (to retainers). Throughout our rule this instance is 

the very first I know, 
Where any one has ever tried our rule to overthrow ; 
Our name is known in every land, and feared both far and 

wide ; 
Our every act is carried forth by every ebbing tide. 
Our country oft is visited by strangers from abroad, 
And all our ways in everything are approved with one accord. 
Wher'er our flag defiantly and proudly is unfurled, 
We stand the brightest nation known throughout this wide, 

wide world. 
We're free as air. Equality, the poor can cry huzzahs, 
And claim protection with the rich beneath the Stripes and 

Stars. 
And while we reign no act of ours shall e'er our country 

shame, 
Nor blot one single Stripe or Star upon that flag of fame. 



16 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

[Enter Secretary of State It. JS. y bearing answer, followed by 

Accident.) 

Sec. op State. Most gracious King, peruse and you will find 
Much high flown language from this prolific mind. 
I've searched the records, consulted all our files, 
And all the learned men around for miles ; 
With me they all agree, tho' not myself I flatter ; 
" Brains is brains," I hold 'em here {points to head), and that's 
just what's the matter. 

( Useless takes despatch and hands to Accident.) 

Accident {reading). Yours just received, our royal king 
desires 
His royal answer shall at once be sent o'er royal wires ; 
His royal wishes are, when next you're called an ass, 
Blow your own nose, and let the matter pass. 
Yet, when the blow's been given by another's hand, 
Pass not the matter, but take a loyal stand ; 
And our royal king, he sees not why, within his royal mind, 
A private blow like this should make so much official wind. 
It was not resented ; at least you make no mention of it, 
And you were right, your station's far above it. 
The king regrets the nose which was your own 
Was wrung by him instead of being blown. 
And hopes in future, this evil all will cease, 
The Ass stop braying, and now " let us have peace" 

{Exit Alacrity L. E) 

Useless. That's just the thing, it touches every point both 
pro and con ; 
Dispatch it now with utmost haste, and then our duty's 
done. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 17 

(Enter Alacrity L. JEJ.) 

Alacrity. Grood King, the messenger brings tidings, that at 

the gate there stands, 
A poor high-gaitered Frenchman, who would grasp your royal 

hands ; 
He says though poor, he, in France, a Count was counted, 
Though here of no account, he says ; he says not what is 

wanted. 

Useless. What claims has this one, though Frenchman he 
may be ? 

Accident. Grood King 'twas France that aided us in gaining 

liberty ; 
When we were weak and struggling, they offered us a hand, 
And by our side they bravely fought, for our freedom in this 

land ; 
To France we owe a heavy debt, a debt of gratitude, • 
A debt that never has boen paid, tho' many years has stood. 

Useless (to Alacrity). Admit this man, and quickly too, no 
matter what his station, 
A citizen of France ne'er shun» to them we owe our nation. 

(Alacrity goes to L. E. and conducts Labatte in, who 
kneels to Useless.) 
(To Labatte.) Arise, Sir Count (Labatte arises), if Count you 

are, yet with us your title's naught, 
Your nation claims a rank for you, for our Freedom you have 

fought ; 
And here as long as Freedom rules, we, hand in hand to- 
gether, 
Will make pur destiny as one, sow seeds, then fruit we'll 
gather. 

Labatte (throwing up arms enthusiastically.) 
Mon Dieu ! c'est vrai, En France I've often hear, 
Zat in zis countrie all can speak, and nevare know ze fear; 



18 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Here, ze pauvre man is just so good as hira who has ze gold; 

Oui ! toute le meme, Egalite, zat makes zese men all bold. 

Pardon, good King, pardon, mais ven I sinks of pauvre 
France, 

My heart grows weak ; no countrie now ; Dieu est seul mon 
esperance, 

And I must seek some ozer home, on some friendly one en- 
croach, 

Zis is ze countrie I have find — " Sans peur et sans reproche." 

Useless {aside to Accident.) 
Good luck attends us, this man's a man of note, 
I would we had more like him here, we'd poll a heavier voto. 
(To Labatte.) And so you love your country, then ? 

Labatte. Mon Dieu ! what's zis I hear ? 
Ask Frenchman if he love La France ! to him 'tis all zat's dear ; 
Does not ze enfant from ze mozer's breast take all its daily 

food; 
And from zat mozer's mouth it learn all actions zat are good ; 
Does not zat mozer watch ze child, with all ze mother's care, 
And teach it when it first shall speak, to offer up ze prayer ? 
To Frenchman ! France is mozer, 'tis zer Fraternite, 
Makes all as one, zey love zeir home, as in one family. 
Pardon, pardon, I have forget zat France no longer reigns, 
For when I speak, I see ze past, mais now no sing remains. 
! Pauvre France ! La Yictoire que vous avez remportee, 
Is lost for ever, it was only for one day. 

Useless. Come, Monsieur, come ! come cheer you up, we offer 
you a home, 

A home as free and boundless too, as where the eagles roam ; 

And if you'll serve me at my Court, I'll make you high in sta- 
tion, 

Take you as one of my Cabinet, if you'll accept the situa- 
tion. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 19 

Labatte. Do what you will wiz me; good King, I will do wiz 
all my heart, 
And show you zat ze mendicant may act ze noble part ; 
En France I've hold positions, et I know ze etiquette, 
Due ministers from ozer parts, and diplomatique employees, 
In all zats parliamentaire, I sink I know ze laws, 
And when some sing you have desire, I help you make ze 

cause ; 
Je suis votre serviteur, good King, and all you have to do, 
Is say, Labatte, I have desire, Labatte he push it through. 

Useless. Well spoken, sir, and from now, while I may 
reign, 

I'll make you chief, that's next to me, and while I'm in the 
vein, 

I'll now give orders. ( To Accident.) You'll from out the Treas- 
ury take 

Sufficient funds, supply his wants, and in everything, you'll 
make 

His situation becoming to his place, and see that nothing 
lacks, 

And then to fill our Treasury, we'll increase the people's 

TAX. 

{To Sec. of State.) And you, my Secretary o' State, write out a 

proclamation, 
And we'll send it with Alacrity, throughout our glorious na- 
tion, 
That it has pleased their royal King to enlarge his Cabinet 
By taking one more friendly one ; but hold ! don't do it yet, 
It first must pass both houses ; (thinks), tho' we're not friendly 

quite ; 
Inform them all he's a foreigner, and that will mahe it right. 
They'll quickly then confirm him, tho' a native might lie still, 
And take his turn, be tabled too, then passed when pleased 
their will. 



20 RULE Alii) DIPLOMACY. 

Now as the hour is growing late, and our business for the day 
Has at last been done, we'll now adjourn, each seeking his own 

way; 
Good-night to all, and, with hopes to-morrow '11 bring us cheer, 
I'll now retire to seek my couch, my future course to steer. 

{Exit L. M) 

{Retainers close Act I. by singing.) 

KING USELESS. 

(Tune, « Old King Cole.") 

King Useless is a useless king, 

A useless king is lie ; 
He calls for his presents and his relatives, 

And cigars passed duty free. 

Each relative has a fine position, 

And a fine position has he ; 
And Useless lets them govern all, 

"While he is off by the sea. (Do you see ?) 

{Exeunt all R. <$b L.) 

END Or ACT FIEST. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 21 



ACT SECOND. 



Scene I. Room in Palace King Useless. Useless discovered 
smoking and meditating. Labatte heard ap- 
proaching singing. Enter Labatte JZ. E. y 
discovers Useless and stops singing. 

Labatte. Ah. ! ze king ! 

Useless. Welcome Labatte, while sitting here at leisure, 
I fain would know your happiness, what gives you all this 
pleasure ? 

Labatte. What gives ze pleasire ? ha ! ha ! ze heart, ze mind ; 
When I have discontent, I say go way, I find 
Some ozer sing to tickle up ze nerve ; 

And when Frenchman search for pleasire, he nevare swerve ; 
If some lady say, I no like Labatte ; 
Tut ! tut ! why discontent for me ? I no care for zat ; 
Zere is plenty ozer, and ze more you go, 
Ze more you find, some sings zats comme-il-faut ; 
Zere is plenty sings for please ze heart, ze mind ; 
You search, King Useless, I am sure you find, 
When ze old sing to you no more is new ; 
Turn zat sing over once, chacun a son gout, 
'Tis not ze great, ze magnifique, that pleases all ; 
'Tis ze petit chose, — ze sings what you call — small : 
Par-example, I will show you why : 
Ze Frenchman's pleasire it is nevare dry ; 
You take ze little finger, put it in ze nose, 
Comme-ca (puts little finger in nose) — you have no pleasire — ■ 

zat's so far it goes ? 
Eh-bien — now take one little straw, one sing zats very small ; 
(Imitates tickliyig nose with straw) ah. ! zere you find ze pleasire 

— ze straw is all. 



22 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Useless. Well ! well ! Labatte, you French are very curious, 
Your pleasure's pure no doubt, there's nothing there that's 

spurious ; 
I wish that I, like you, could always be contented, 
But happiness for all alike, was never yet invented : 
"With all my Money, Houses, Lands and all, 
That simple boon of happiness was ne'er within my call. 

Labatte.. And why, good King ? 'tis you alone who bears ze 
blame ; 
To have contentment, you must give ze same ; 
He zat do wrong, wrong must expect in turn, 
And to have good, must good from bad discern : 
Pardon, good Useless, zat I speak so plain, 
Mais ! to do you justice, I must give you pain. 

Useless. Speak out your mind, and speak it freely too, 
I see my faults, and yet what can I do ? 
Near-sighted tho' I've been, my stubborn mulish nature 
Has blinded me to noble acts, and every other feature 
That should have crowned my reign, and now apace, 
That awful final judgment day stares boldly in my face : 
Deep buried must these things all be, my name again must stand 
A No. 1, and head the list, throughout this noble land ; 
ITour head is clear, point out the way, show me diplomacy, 
And how to justly rule my race, as one like mine should be. 

Labatte. To show you zis, it must take time ; and somesing 

more is wanted : 
Courage, Monsieur ! in every act, as well as will undaunted ; 
You must have brains, and active brains. Fear no one but ze 

One (points above) 
Zat is supreme, and rules on high ; ze mover of ze sun, 
And earth, and all ze stars ; ze King- oe eveby kino. 
When you've done zis, you zen will find, success to you He'll 

bring. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 23 

Now, I will ask one sing of you, zat is : I'd like to know 
What you have done, from first your reign, pro bono publico? 

Useless. What have I done ? But little, that is true ; 
And even for that little, none gives to me my due : 
All act as tho' my every act was but an act of shame. 
I've done my best to do what's right; then how am I to blame? 
For fear our laws would not be known, and clearly understood, 
I thought the best that I could do, and for the people's good, 
Was to appoint to office those in whom I'd every trust. 
So I hunted up my relatives, and in position quickly thrust 
Each and every one of them, both by marriage and by blood; 
And my subjects even say that this was not -for public good. 

Labatte. And zey are right. No monarch on zis throne 
Should give ze best positions to relatives his own. 
You owe ze place to every one ; all have a right to ask 
A situation national — good pay and easy task. 
Zen choose ze man of honor, wiz great integrity — 
Ze man who's proud to do ze right, with true sincerity. 
Anozer sing : no people like — pardon, I speak ze fact — • 
Ze law you make for your own friends, " Tentjbe-of-office Act." 
All folks can see ze sing you want : when yoxCre no longer king, 
Your relatives are still in power, and members of ze ring. 
And can you sink to rule like zis ; to have ze love of all 
Your subjects ; ze respect of powers zat come wizin your call? 
Non ! Non ! King Useless, you must banish all ze ways 
Of grasping avarice in power ; you'll find it nevare pays. 
Anozer sing : you have make try to make your subjects blind 
To their rights, and libertie to. vote as suit ze taste and mind ; 
You have take ze bold and foolish step, to have ze militaire 
To attend ze poll, and frighten all into submissive fear. 
Zis nation will not have zese sings. If you steal, zey don't say 

much; 
Mais, when you stop zeir libertie, zen, Monsieur, you have 

touch 



24 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Ze chord of every subject's heart. Fazere, mozere, child, 
Arouse themselves, begin to act, — their greatest gift's defiled. 

Useless. I did this all for sake of peace, — 

Labatte. And to keep yourself in power , 
Ze public all can see zis sing, and daily, every hour, 
Ze power you wish to stronger have, grows weak, and vaire fast ; 
And if you change not vaire quick, 'twill grow too weak at last 
To even leave one chance for you. Ze -truth I'll not dissemble — 
Take ozer course, at once, good King, make new votre tout 
ensemble. 

Useless. 'Tis useless, yet I'll bravely try. . In you I'll find 

my cue, 
I'll carry out your every wish in hopes 'twill take me through. 
Erom now henceforth I'll orders give, make up a bran new 

slate, 
Give me your plans to execute before it is too late. 

Labatte. Ze first to do will be undo each undue act you've 
dq y 
Zen quickly place ze bad wiz good, ze old replace wiz new. 
Zen for your suit of diplomats, take men of worthy note, 
Don't give ze imbecile ze place because zey have ze vote. 
To have collect ze revenue with honor and with truth, 
Put in ze honest merchant of integrity and worth. 
Take every relative you have and throw zem overboard. 
And zen you save ze countrie much by clearing out ze fraud. 
Go wash your hands of gold transactions, too, 
Give up connection wiz your railroad crew. 
Grant no more lands to every scheming Go., 
Your stock in Sand Stone wiz ze rest must go. 
Give back ze perquisites, each, sing you have receive, 
'Twill break your heart, I know, and cause you much to grieve, 
But zen you must ere you can hope to rise, 
And save your name ; 'twill take all by surprise. 



BULE AND DIPLOMACY. 25 

Useless. Why, d — n it man ! impossible ! you know — 

Labatte. That all sing zat you do is mal-a-propos, 
You have ze mule so tied up in ze head, 
Before you loosen him he kick you dead. 
You ask my views, et now, when I am through 
You say zat's all ze truth, but none for you; 
Eh, bien, good King, you keep your way, 
At every turn you've toll to pay. 

Useless. I'll not be angry 'cause you speak the truth, and 

yet, withal, 
Rather than give up all these, I would not rule at all. 
'Tis now too late to make this change, and then I could not live 
If I should take away the life of but one relative. 
No ! they shall reign, with freedom, too, to do just as they 

please, 
So when old age comes on their head they can live and die at 

ease. 
My good Labatte, I leave you now to receive my host of friends, 
It behooves me now to be on hand, on this my fate depends. 

(Exit.) 
Labatte. Ze host of friends ; ha ! ha ! ze enemies I sink, 
Zey want some sing, and zey all know, by giving him ze wink 
Zat zey havo bring ze souvenir, zey get all zat zey ask, 
And if zey want positions, zey get ze easy task. 
Ze world all know zis Useless king he like ze souvenir, 
And by giving him ze handsome sing zey reach ze royal ear. ' 
Ze king is always pleased wiz zis, ze grimace none can see, 
And what is now sans vie, I know, will soon be sans souci. 
He takes all sings — no matter what, and to zem he gives zeir 

wish, 
And zose zat bait wiz souvenirs will catch ze royal fish. 
"You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours," zis Useless 

king he say, 
Mais zose zat want zeir backs well scratched, zis Useless king 

must pay. 



J6 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Such king, in France, I know, would live no longer zan one 

hour; 
Zey'd burn his house, and kill him too, — put ozer one in power. 
He is like one little Frenchman, who so sick as he could be ; 
Ze docteur tell him he must drink one quart cam'mile tea, 
Zat is, if he shall want to live. Zen ze little Frenchman cry, 
Mon Dieu ! I only hold one pint y oh ! docteur, I must die. 

{Exit, B. M) 



ACT SECOND. 

Scene II. Accident's room in palace King Useless. Acci- 
dent at table covered with papers. Enter 
Alacrity in haste, L. E. 

Alacrity. The people cry for vengeance, in every town and 

State ; 
The cry goes forth, Reform we'll have ! no longer will we 

wait: 
Befoeji in everything, they say. Down with this useless king ! 
And crown some other monarch, who to us will credit bring. 
They're talking blood and riot, and cheering for our foes ; 
And where this tumult now will end, there's no one surely 

knows. 

Accident {anxiously). And have you seen this all yourself; 
or is it some report, 
That is sent to cause a tremor in every one at Court ? 

Alacrity. I've seen it all, I'm sad to say. They've enlisted 

every speaker, 
To make their cause the stronger grow, and ours to grow the 

weaker. 
I heard She-Hers, on yester-night, call loudly for Reform, 
And beg that all would bravely face the coming thunder-storm. 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY: 27 

He said King Useless' rule had been the most successful failure 

The world e'er knew, from first to last. He then began to pic- 
ture 

The king in every public thing, and the words he emphasized 

Were Seizure, Gold, and Whisky rings ; and then, as one sur- 
prised, 

He asked if all these things must be ? No ! one and all did 
cry, 

"We'll have Eefoem from this time forth, or for our country die. 

A philosopher then took the stand, they said his name was 
Hoeace ; 

And how he swore by all 'twas ggod, and all joined in the 
chorus. 

Eefoem ! all cried ; we want Eefoem ! Down with this useless 
reign ! 

We'll start a mew regime at once, and try it o'er again. 

I tell you what, they're up in arms, we've got a foe to fight ; 

And to do our best, we'll quickly find the job's not over light. 

Accident. I'll quickly hie, and find the King — you await till 
I return ; 
I'll hear what Useless has to say, and see what I can learn. 

(Exit, B. E) 

Alaceitt. Short and sweet my joy will be, — this has always 

been my luck ; 
I never had an easy load, but somehow I'd get stuck. 
Through all my life thus far I've toiled, and nothing have I 

won, 
Until good luck it placed me here ; and note, this job is done. 
Though hard I toiled, and nothing made, peace was my happy 

lot; 
While here, no happiness I've seen : my life's -been but a blot 
Of misery, one constant strife ; excitement's been my feed ; 
And, like all others at this Court, I'm always in for greed. 



28 BULB AND DIPLOMACY. 

This rule is fading, every moment shows ; 

Our life is ebbing, to find food for crows. 

Reform will come, and, with Labor, take the place 

Of luxury, and idleness ; then joy will come apace, 

To crown the heroes who in Labor bring Reform, 

Grant peace to rich and poor alike, and end this horrid storm. 

{Enter Accident, JR. JEJ., followed by JLabatie.) 

Accident. The king is furious ; he has ordered every gun, 
And all the troops he can command, to go, ere set of sun, 
To every club headquarters, and take every one that dares 
To utter thoughts not of tl^e king's and of his State affairs. 
If any one shall brave to speak, He'll show them He is king, 
And while HE rules, Free Acts and Speech are not of Public 
things. 

Labatte. Tut "! tut ! my fren, ze king he have make wrongs, 
It is not to ze king in power, zese petit sings belongs ; 
"When he have do such sing like zis, ze people all will say, 
What Useless, foolish king is zis, we will put him right away : 
Down, zey will cry, wiz Tyrannie, and wiz tear in every eye, 
Zey'll fight him hard, and kill him dead : Reform will be zeir 

cry ; 
Ze " International," Monsieur, is what ze people like ; 
Ze labor makes ze countrie riche, and turns ze wrong to right ; 
Ze king he have ze capital, mais, zen wizout ze labor, 
He cannot have ze handsome house, as him he have for neigh- 
bor ; 
In countrie now like zis you have, ze labor is ze power ; 
And ze millionaire wiz all his gold, for labor must retire : 
Zey now have come united — millions as but one, 
To have ze rights to zem belong, King Useless' reign is done. 

Accident. What ? Mutiny and Treason ! To speak so of the 
king, 
I'll tell him all that yon have said, another song you'll sing. 



BULB AND DIPLOMACY. 29 

Labatte. Ah ! I have tell ze king ze same, and ze king he 

know it's true, 
He know zat he have make mistake, in every sing he do : 
He know zat he is not ze one to gain respect and love, 
And zat he is poor subject too, to ze King of kings above. 
He know all zis, but zen he have ze mind just like ze mule, 
He nevaire go but when he likes — yet, always kicks by rule. 
Now, when he sinks he'll pull ze load, ze time has come too 

late, 
Ze harness all is rotten now, ze load has grown too great. 

(Miters Useless, JR. JE., and paces floor violently.) 

Useless. Ten thousand curses, and ten thousand more I 
send 
On the heads of each that would my rule thus end. 
They grant no mercy, and o'er my house the storm 
In all its fury's broke. The whistling wind Reeobm 
Calls forth, and now, unless by subterfuge, 
I see no exit ; no haven for refuge. 
I call my aids, my Cabinet, and all, 
Not one does answer to my friendly call ; 
They, like all others, having fed their greed, 
Leave me alone to face each failing deed. 
What shall I do ? 

Labatte. Good king, permittez zat I speak, 
And I will show you quickly how to gain zat peace you seek. 

Useless. Well ! quickly show me ; I fain would have some 
rest, 
And ease my aching brain of this infernal pest. 

Labatte. To your Secretaire give orders, zat for your conn- 
trie's good, 
You've done your best to justly rule, and zat always you have 
stood 



30 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 

Bravely up to every point when you thought 'twould please 

them all, 
And as ze storm now gathers, and your rule is like to fall, 
You now, as ever, for its good, resign as candidate 
In favor of some ozer one, who'll meet a better fate ; 
Ze resignation zeifll accept, and sink it apropos, 
And zen select some ozer one, pro bono publico. 

Useless. Resign ! ye gods ! no ! never ! no ! Ell have the 

nomination, 
Cost what peace of mind it may I again shall rule this nation; 
And when again elected, these same Reforming hounds 
Fawning at my feet with smiles in numbers will be found. 
These presents all that I've received, good interest will bring 
By granting none what they may ask unless I see some thing 
Of worth they offer ; something to pave the way, 
And make amends for all the pain I've suffered on this day. 
No ! no ! Labatte, you mean what's right, tho' I take another 

view, 
There is no cause for difference betwixt both me and you. 

Labatte. Pardon, King Useless, I've no desire to longer wiz 
you be, 
I'll join ze great Reformers, and wiz zem help to free 
Zis countrie of your tyrannie ; I no like ze way you go, 
You spoil ze name of Libertie, ze freedom overthrow ; 
I only do as speak ze heart, pardon, if I mistake ; 
But what ze conscience tell me do, on honor I shall make. 
Adieu, King Useless. Bonj our, Monsieur. Good-day (walking 

off)- '• 
Mourir pour la patrie — ou, vive la Libertie. 

(Exit L. E.) 

Useless (aside). Another shell within my camp. (To Acci- 
dent) And will you leave me too ? 

No ! no ! my kingly brother-'n-law, I'll stay and help you 
through, 



BULB AND DIPLOMACY. 31 

Tho' I think we've got a useless task, we'll do our very best, 
To save some little character, and put our plans to test. 
I bid you cheer, there still is hope, again the sun will shine, 
And now let's hope for Victory, while-" we fight it on this line." 

Useless. Your words give cheer, may we hope they'll bring 
success, 
Aud help me too, to shape my course, out of this awful mess ; 
I'll meet them all defiautly, aud hold out to the last, 
And make my future acts from this, atonement for the past. 
(Exeunt P. JEJ.) 

ACT SECOND. 

Scene HI. Union Square, New York City. Platforms 
erected for Grand Mass 'Meeting. Different 
Reform Societies Marching to positions to 
Music of their several Bands, and bearing 
transparencies with mottoes, i. e., " No more 
Suckers," " National Labor Reformers," "Down 
on Useless' Power," "Down with Nepotism," 
"Know all Men by their Presents," etc., etc., 
etc. The whole square illuminated with Chinese 
Lanterns. 

Platform JVb. 1. In foreground, She-Hers, 
Horace, Labatte, and other prominent Peform- 
erms on platform. Useless, Accident, and 
Alacrity in rear. 

She-Hers (addressing multitude.) To the front in this im- 
portant theme, I'm glad to see you rally, 
And one and all with energy, can sink this useless folly, 
That we have seen so very long, to each free-born' s disgrace. 
Has not our latter rule all thro', been of infamy most base ? 

Voice. Yes ! yes ! we all know- that. 



32 BTJLE AND DIPLOMACY. 

She-Hees. Then why should we thus stand 
And see disgrace and calumny bro't on this noble land ? 
We want B-eeoem in every thing, Eefoem in every way; 
Free rights to think, free rights to speak, that each may have 

his say. 
We want no more repeating polls, our votes with honesty 
Must be recorded as there sent, and not polluted be ; 
We want each office filled with men of honesty and worth, 
To give eclat to every act, and then each public berth 
Will by itself bring naught of shame ; each then will bear a 

j) art 
Of all the honor we'll regain from every foreign mart. 
We want for king no ill-bred man, whose only aim will be 
To grapple all within his reach for his own family ; 
We want a man who higher soars ; whose sight will ne'er grow 

dim ; 
Who'll do to others as he'd have all others do to him. 

Voice. Good ! We'll have him, too. 

She-Hees. That is, if we're united, 
We'll have our wants in all respects, no aim of ours be blighted. 
We must not even close our eyes to this important fact. 
To gain the prize, we must all act with energy and tact ; 
Be firm resolved that all we do will be in unity 
With honor and our country's good, the home of all the free. 

Voice. You're sound. Hurrah ! 

Voice. That fellow is sincere. 

Voice. A dozen more such men as he our country's name 
would clear. (Cheers and applause from multitude.) 

Hoeace. Those well-timed words you've just heard spoke by 
the patriot She-Hees, 
Show us the situation here ; and, while I speak, my blood it 
stirs 



RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 33 

Me to the point. Quick action must be taken, 

And if we don't reap benefits, I'm clearly then mistaken. 

Look at our king, this Useless King, — the name's not one of 

grace, — 
For he is sure a Useless king, placed in a useful place, 
And are we now to have again, this king as candidate ? 

Yoice. No ! no ! Grod grant that we may have a good and 
better fate. 

Horace. And so we will, our time has come, on him we'll 

cast a frown 
That will surely blind him in those ways, that's thrown our 

Union down, 
We'll replace him by some better one, some Statesman too, of 

note, 
We'll fill the place he desecrates, and give us rights to vote 
As it shall please ourselves alone ; Freedom without alloy 
Will be our lot from this time forth, our liberty enjoy. 

Yoice. Good ! that's what we want. 

Hoeace. Then why not have it so ? 
To have good hay when the sun shall shine, the meadow we 

must mow ; 
So sharpen well your scythes, each one, and ere Time's glass has 

run, 
We'll mow the meadow clean of grass, then half our victory's 

won ; 
The field now clear, we'll keep it so, and as we want a better 

crop, 
We'll plough out every useless spear, then better seed we'll 

drop. 
From my experience in this, and I've never known it fail, 
Do everything in proper time, success will sure prevail. 
JVbzo is our proper time to move, and as a body too, 
We'll meet his every stratagem, and quickly pass them through. 



34 RUL-E AND DIPLOMACY. 

I've said this much to urge you on, our force will now unite, 
Attack his every point at once,, and thereby gain the fight. 

Voice. You bet, we'll fight ! 

Voices. Hurrah! Hurrah! 

Laj3atte. Now I will somesings say : 
Though I was born in ozer place, I have come here to-day 
To raise ze voice of libertie, and help you all I can 
To make new king, ze one all like — an honest-hearted man. 
Ze poor and rich must be alike. Reform, ze people claim, 
JVill malce ze countrie prosperous • and I am not ashame 
To go wiz you to fight ze power zat is so vaire bad, 
And help Beform to get in place, to make ze people glad. 
If you would have good soup to eat, wiz good cook find no 

fault; 
For he know how to season well, by careful use of salt. 
Zis countrie now is like one tree, zat has blossoms but no fruit; 
It make one fine and splendid view, but is rotten at ze root. 
And zen again, 'tis like bad nut ; ze shell is nice and clean, 
Mais, when you finish open it, no meat inside is seen. 
Just so wiz zis whole countrie ; ze laws are good, no doubt, 
But zen what safety can you have where no laws are carried 

out? 
To have good countrie, as well as soup, we must have good chief 

cook, 
Who know ze sing- ze people want, just by ze people's look. 
King Useless nevaire is ze man, I say en verite •' 
We must find ozer one zan zis, to make ze dinner pay. 
I have seen one country all destroy, by ze conduct of a king ; 
But zen zis king he know much more, in fact in every sing 
He was Useless' superior — in all sings but ze one : 
He nevaire take ze souvenir for favors he has done. 
Zis king he was an honest man, mais zen ze people like 
More Freedom zan he like to give, and from zis zey make ze 

fight; 



B ULE AND DIPL OMA CY. 35 

They burn up every city, kill all ze people, too, 
Zenozer countrie have to come zis king to make subdue. 
You must not lose zis countrie, 'tis ze brightest one on earth ; 
'Tis here where Freedom first was gained, your liberty found 

birth ; 
Fight hard zis rule of Useless, make quick anozer reign, 
Bring back zis countrie to its stand, and zen be sound again ; 
But take ze word of one zat sees, et ! if you would be free 
Put up some ozer candidate who will down wiz tyrannie, 
For just so long as Useless rules, Corruption, Theft and Fraud 
Will be ze stigma on your name in every place abroad. 

Yoice. Three cheers ! (Cheers.) 

Voice. That Frenchman is no fool ! 

Voice. Not much he ain't ! 

Voice. He knows his part by rule ! (Applause.) 

Accident (to Useless). You've heard the speeches of these 

men, and you know the people's wish — 
They fain would have another cook to serve the public dish ; 
Reform they call this cook they want, they say that he'll be 

winner, 
And in'73 on 4th of If arch he'll serve the public dinner. 

Useless. I'll spoil his meats, and you must help ; his game 

will be worth nothing ; 
His wine will sour, and his pudding prove in eating. 
We'll make him so unsavory to the taste of every guest, 
And as I hope to reign again, he'll be sorry for his test. 
Reform, is it ? Well, I'll make a reformation, 
And pull on every wire I see, to get the nomination. 
When once the nomination's got, I'll crush Reform and Labor; 
And death to each Reformer who asks of me a favor. 
But hark — those sounds! (Clubs singing.) Where does this 

noise all come from ? 
Accident. 'Tis the multitude, who shout The Battle- Cry of 

Freedom. (All march off ; multitude shouting.) 



36 RULE AND DIPLOMACY. 



THE BATTLE-CRY OF FREEDOM. 

Yes, King Useless' rule is done, boys, we'll rally once again, 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom ; 
Reform in every way, boys, and we'll gather not in vain, 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

Chorus. 
Our country forever ! Hurrah ! boys, hurrah ! 

Down with the Traitor, up with Reform ; 
While we rally 'round the flag, boys, rally once again, 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

We are working for Reform, and for everything that's right, 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom ; 
And we'll fill our vacant ranks with good working-men who'll fight, 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

Chorus. — Our country forever ! — 

From the North, South, East, and West, we all hear the cry, Reform ! 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom ; 
We will drown King Useless out, in the coming thunder-storm, 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

Chorus. — Our country forever ! — 

END OE ACT SECOND, AND FINIS. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




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